“I’ve Told Them a Hundred Times!” Why Some Children Struggle with Everyday Routines
Every parent has experienced some version of this… You ask your child to get ready for bed. Ten minutes later, they’re still sitting on the couch. You remind them to brush their teeth. They wander into their room instead. You ask them to put their plate in the sink. They leave it on the table. You remind them—again—to put their backpack where it belongs. Tomorrow morning, they’re searching the entire house.
Eventually, many parents ask the same question: “Why do I have to remind them every single day?”
After all, these aren’t new skills. Your child has brushed their teeth hundreds of times. They’ve followed the bedtime routine for years. They know where their shoes belong.
So why doesn’t repetition seem to help?
Routines Depend on Executive Functioning
Parents often think of routines as habits. The brain often experiences them as a series of executive functioning tasks. Even something as simple as “getting ready for bed” requires a child to:
- stop what they’re currently doing
- shift attention to something less interesting
- remember each step
- complete the steps in the correct order
- resist distractions
- notice when something has been forgotten
- keep going until everything is finished
Adults do many of these things automatically. Children often don’t. Executive functioning skills continue developing throughout childhood and adolescence. Some children develop these skills more slowly than others, especially those with ADHD, autism, learning differences, developmental delays, or other neurodevelopmental conditions.
Knowing what to do and independently doing it are not always the same thing.
But They’ve Done It Before…
One of the most common comments I hear is: “They know how to do it.”
They’re probably right. Most children understand what the routine is. The challenge is carrying it out consistently without someone else managing the process.
Children may forget the next step. They may become distracted halfway through. They may lose track of time. They may not notice they’ve skipped something. They may begin one task and never return to finish it.
The routine isn’t difficult because they don’t know it.
It’s difficult because their brain is managing multiple processes at once. You just can’t see it.
The End of the Day Is Often the Hardest Time
Parents often notice that routines seem to fall apart in the evening. That isn’t surprising.
After spending an entire day paying attention at school, following directions, managing emotions, interacting with peers, completing homework, and sitting at the dinner table, their mental energy is simply depleted.
Think about your own day. By evening, even small decisions can feel more difficult than they did in the morning. Children experience something similar.
For kids who get overwhelmed by going to school, you might find that the beginning of the school day is the toughest. Big emotions and resistance show up when you request them to complete the smallest routine tasks.
When their brain is tired, executive functioning and self-regulation skills are weak. Tasks that seemed manageable require much more effort. Frustration tolerance is also limited. So when mental energy is taxed, nonpreferred tasks become even harder to start and complete.
Why This Looks Different Across Children
Not all difficulties with routine have the same cause.
A child with ADHD may know exactly what needs to happen but becomes distracted between every step. They may sincerely intend to brush their teeth but notice a toy on the floor, begin building with it, and completely forget why they walked into the bathroom.
An autistic child may understand the routine perfectly but struggle with the transition away from a preferred activity. Or maybe shifting across all the steps (all of which are uncomfortable) to complete what seems like a single routine. Unexpected changes to the routine may also feel especially stressful. When the pattern or script they follow is changed. The difficulty isn’t forgetting what comes next—it’s shifting from one activity, mindset, or expectation to another.
Some children forget the sequence altogether.
Some rush through the routine so quickly that they skip important parts or do them haphazardly.
Still others seem to resist because they don’t yet understand why the routine matters or how it helps them become more independent.
And yes, sometimes children test limits.
Like all of us, children learn from experience.
If expectations change from one day to the next, or reminders continue indefinitely without clear follow-through, children may discover that the routine is optional. In those situations, inconsistency in expectations—not executive functioning—is driving the behavior.
Before Assuming Defiance, Become Curious
When a child struggles with routines, ask questions like:
- Where does the routine break down?
- Which step seems hardest?
- Does my child lose focus, become distracted, or get stuck?
- Is the problem starting the routine, staying with it, or finishing it?
- Does this happen every day, or mostly when they’re tired?
- Does my child do better when someone stays nearby?
- Does the routine improve when visual reminders are available?
- Are my expectations clear and consistent?
Sometimes the pattern tells us exactly where support is needed.
Helping Children Become More Independent
Our goal isn’t to remind children forever. Our goal is to help them gradually take over the job themselves. That often means making routines more visible before expecting them to become automatic. Children may benefit from:
- visual checklists (pictures or words)
- a picture-based sequence of the steps (use your camera -make it easy)
- breaking larger routines into smaller steps
- practicing one new skill at a time (instead of take a bath, “it’s time to wash your body”)
- reducing distractions during routines
- predictable, consistent routines
- giving reminders that become less frequent over time
- acknowledging effort and growing independence rather than only pointing out mistakes
For some children, supports are temporary. For others—particularly those with executive functioning weaknesses or developmental differences—they may remain helpful for many years (beyond what you may expect for age).
Independence develops as skills that support planning, attention, organization, memory, flexibility, behavior regulation, and self-monitoring mature across time. The more we understand those underlying skills (and nurture them when needed), the better we can support children in becoming successful—and eventually independent.
