When Perfectionism Becomes a Problem for Your Child
Perfectionism is tricky. On the one hand, it is praised when associated with high achievement. But on the other hand, it can contribute to avoidance and inflexible behavior, and it can be associated with anxiety.
Is your child overly critical of themselves or do they set unrealistic expectations? Are they hesitant to try new things? Do they quit things early when they believe they’re not good enough? Do they redo things over and over until they are “perfect”? Do they get easily distressed when things don’t go as planned? Are they reluctant to ask for help? Are they overly focused on final grades, awards, or achievements rather than the process of growing and learning?
Parents are often puzzled by the pressure a child can put on themselves. They explain that it doesn’t come from them, and that they don’t expect perfect grades or performance from their child. Parents just want their child to feel proud and confident. In some cases, parents express feelings of guilt because they believe their own perfectionism became a model for their child.
If you believe that your child’s perfectionism is getting in the way, what can you do? Some things to consider:
- Validate your child’s feelings, whether it’s fear, anxiety, worry, frustration, sadness, shame, jealousy, and more. Be careful not to minimize or judge how they feel, such as by saying things like… “B+ in biology is still a great grade” or “Don’t worry it, someday this won’t matter”, or “you’re overreacting” ….
- Do you notice “black and white” or “all or none” thinking? These patterns can really take hold and cause them to be very inflexible.
- Find ways to point out your own mistakes and imperfections. Model, tell stories, show examples of self-acceptance and the process of learning from them.
- Talk about setting realistic expectations. Use yourself as an example. Emphasize effort, and the value of “grit”, perseverance, and hard work. Make it explicit that hard work does not mean something is wrong.
- Help your child set new boundaries or limits if they are overextended. Are they involved in too many things? Do they have sufficient down time for self-care?
- Use humor when mistakes or embarrassing moments happen. Find ways to make the moment lighter and more playful to change the mood.
- Help your child recognize early signs that their expectations are too much, especially if you notice somatic or physical complaints associated with stress (e.g., headaches, stomachaches, body pain), disrupted sleep, or changes in appetite.
To get back to the positive (?) side of perfectionism…… It’s (deceptively) easy to ignore perfectionism and maybe even celebrate it when a child seems to be doing well – such as earning good grades, exceling in sports, and maintaining lots of friendships. But do you ever worry that they’ll get burned out? It’s critical to help them establish a healthy balance. Everyone has limits, and our body and mind will send signals when we need better self-care. What are your child’s signals? Help protect your high achieving child by encouraging (and teaching) self-awareness.
If your child’s perfectionism gets in the way of everyday life, it might be time to ask for help. Does your child need counseling? If you believe the perfectionism is related to other developmental concerns (e.g., social challenges, learning delays, executive functioning challenges), your child may benefit from a neuropsychological evaluation. This can help you determine if your child might be trying to cope or compensate for neurodevelopmental differences. Reach out for a free consultation to learn more our evaluation services: [email protected]
