Low Frustration Tolerance
Giving up quickly, avoiding activities or situations that make them uncomfortable, and dependence on others to do difficult things – these are common concerns of parents.
When kids and teens show intense emotions, parents really feel it. Sometimes parents have a visceral response. It’s truly painful to watch your child in distress. Naturally, parents want to protect their child and remove any triggers for distress. You are biological wired to protect your child.
But parents also want their child to be resilient and to have “grit”. Is it possible to develop resilience and perseverance if children don’t learn to accept and tolerate the hard stuff? I don’t think so.
Imagine these situations…
- Tommy is a 10-year-old boy who hates math because it’s so hard and he feels “dumb” in math class. Every night is the same battle with homework – Tommy procrastinates and then rushes through his homework. Sometimes there are meltdowns when his mother asks him to do homework. Once he finally completes it, he always asks his mom to check his work. His mom always helps him correct errors. She wonders what would happen if she didn’t check his work and the teacher saw his abilities without her help. But tolerating Tommy’s tears and negative self-talk is just too much for her, and his mother worries about his math grades if she didn’t check his work. She believes the distress is too much for Tommy to handle.
- Steph is a 13-year-old girl who is very focused on academics because she wants to get into a competitive college. Her parents don’t know where this pressure comes from. Although she’s tried a number of extracurricular activities over the years, she tends to quit because she doesn’t like group competition. Steph describes herself as introverted and gets uncomfortable in front of crowds. Her parents have stopped asking her to do things because she gets so upset and resistant. They no longer have dinner parties at the house because Steph hides in her room. They no longer take family vacations because Steph gets embarrassed by her parents and won’t go on excursions. They no longer encourage her to participate in school activities. Steph’s Dad recently required that Steph attend a family reunion, and it led to a major escalation with unkind words. Steph’s parents feel like they changed so much to protect Steph, and their world is so limited now.
- John is a 7 year old boy who worries about getting sick and going to the hospital. His parents have no idea how this fear developed. To avoid getting sick, John must wear a face mask when he leaves the house, and he must wash his hands and face two times once he returns to the house. His parents have started carrying John’s favorite brand of hand sanitizer everywhere. They make sure the towel in the bathroom is washed and folded carefully next to each sink, just as he requests. John’s parents started wearing a face mask in public too. They do whatever they can to help John believe he won’t get sick because his worry and tears are too much.
In each of these situations, the parents find ways to protect their child from frustration, distress, worry, and/or fear. In essence, they help their child avoid stress. In the short-term, these strategies work really well because the child shows less negative emotion. But in the long run, the child is not doing what is age typical. They are not adapting and accepting the stressors of everyday life. They are not problem solving and persisting when things feel scary or hard. They are not showing resilience.
So, how does a parent know when they need to find new ways to support frustration tolerance?
The answer is (fairly) simple if you start with these questions:
- Is my child meeting expectations for their age?
- Is my child meeting expectations for their abilities?
- Is my child missing out on things that could bring them more joy or connection?
If you feel confident that your child can and should be doing more, it’s time to expect that. One little step at a time. Simply demanding more isn’t enough. Your expectations need to include VALIDATION AND SUPPORT of your child’s feelings, while also reinforcing their belief that THEY CAN HANDLE IT. Your child needs to believe that being uncomfortable is okay, and their tolerance of things that are difficult or scary will make the discomfort easier over time.
Do you need support figuring out how to build your child’s tolerance of fear, worry, or anxiety? Learn more about SPACE treatment (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions): https://pedneurocenter.com/support-for-anxious-children/
Or maybe you need support figuring out how to set realistic expectations. This is common for families of children with neurodevelopmental disorders and special needs. Learn more about a neuropsychological evaluation, which will give you the big picture about your child’s strengths and weaknesses, so you know how to support your child: https://pedneurocenter.com/neuropsychological-evaluation/
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